Tales from a Dissident Daughter

Lenten Struggles

2012-02-25T09:59:00.004-05:00

It is only the fourth day of Lent and I am already struggling with myself in one area. Surprisingly, it is not the profanity, but the romance novels that are proving to be the greatest challenge of abstaining. I find myself at a loss when it comes to reading, because for so long I have chosen to read only the novels about love and romance. I am determined to see through my "fast," but when I look at the calendar and realize that I have an entire month (my birthday month, too!) to abstain from reading these novels, I feel myself going slightly off-the-bend. Here is hoping that my faith will see me through this and that I will walk away from it less dependent. I am finding that I read the way I eat. In a single word: junk. I put junk in my head and junk in my body, neither of which do me any good in this life. That is one of the main reasons that I chose to give up these books for Lent, because a part of me knew they were doing me a disservice.

Instead, I have chosen to read and meditate upon the words of Wayne Muller in A Life of Being, Doing, and Having Enough. This book is resonating with me in a frightening way. Like many people in this country, I am constantly looking for what's next, the next big thing, and more, more, more. Muller's words are inspiring me to live a more simple life, one of acceptance (of myself and others) and appreciation for what I already have instead of what I want or what others have in their lives. This is a difficult, but much needed lesson to learn.

Today, I am reflecting on Julian of Norwich as part of my devotion during the season of Lent:

And in this he showed me something small, no bigger than a hazelnut, lying in the palm of my hand . . . I was amazed that it could last . . . and I was answered in my understanding: it lasts and always will, because God loves it; and thus everything has being through the love of God. In this little thing I saw three properties. The first is that God made it, the second is that God loves it, and the third is that God preserves it.

We are enough, because God made us, God loves us, and God preserves us. Amen.

The Lord Remembers That We Are Dust

2012-02-22T21:33:00.005-05:00

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Tonight was my debut as a lector for my home congregation, and I can think of no other date that might be perfectly fitting as a renewal of my faith and a dedication to servicing my church and my Creator. When I first started attending the Episcopal Church, a fellow parishioner mentioned to me that most Christians have it backwards when it comes to Christmas and Easter. He said, "People get all excited about Christmas because it's the happy time of our faith, but the true meaning of our belief, the reality of Christianity, is the suffering of Christ on the cross. Ash Wednesday and Lent are the real experience of what it means to be Christian." I find beauty in the solitude and inner-reflection that exists during this season. For me, it is a time of spiritual practice and study.

This year, I have two goals: to refrain from using profanity when angry or frustrated and put my romance novels to the side for the period of Lent. The first one is a big step for me. I developed a nasty habit of cursing in college and have never quite broken myself of the action. This is going to take some serious self-discipline and verbal-creativity on my part, but I believe it is a worthwhile endeavor. If I am a reflection of the Divine, then I must be a reflection in actions and words. Second, I have a bit of an addiction to romance novels. I can spend hours, days lost in the stories, characters, and . . . er, plot scenes. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, which is not a bad thing, but it can be very distracting when there is a house to be cleaned, papers to be graded, or other important matters that need tending. Furthermore, I will devote my reading to spiritual matters. I've chosen two fantastic books, but I have a feeling that the dust will be blown off the covers of several books on my shelves before Easter rolls around.

A Blessed Ash Wednesday and Lenten Season to you all!

Ash Wednesday

2012-02-22T08:47:00.003-05:00

"All are from the dust,
And to dust all return."
-Ecclesiastes 3:20

New Layout

2012-02-20T22:13:00.004-05:00

It has been a long time coming, but Tales from a Dissident Daughter finally has a new layout. For now, I like the cosmic universe theme. It reminds me of a portion of the inclusive language liturgy from the Book of Common Prayer:

From before time you made ready the creation. Your Spirit moved over the deep and brought all things into being: sun, moon, and stars; earth, winds, and waters; and every living thing.

You made us in your image, and taught us to walk in your ways. But we rebelled against you, and wandered far away; and yet, as a mother cares for her children, you would not forget us.

Amen.

Books for Lenten Devotion

2012-02-20T11:48:00.008-05:00

Ash Wednesday is approaching, and with it, the Lenten season. ~~Rather than give something up~~, I have decided to take something on: spiritual reading and devotion. I have committed to reading two books for the Lenten season:

From the moment we are born, we are seekers. Our culture obsessively promotes the pursuit of money, success and self-improvement. At the end of each activity-jammed day, though, we collapse into bed discouraged by everything we have not checked off on our to-do lists, in despair that whatever we have accomplished is never enough. Worse still, when our dreams become derailed by the inherent tragedies of life—job loss, financial peril, sickness, or the death of a loved one—we feel devastated by the pain and injustice of it all.

Purchase Book via Barnes & Noble

Raised as an atheist, Sara Miles lived an enthusiastically secular life as a restaurant cook and a writer. Then early one winter morning, for no earthly reason, she wandered into a church. "I was certainly not interested in becoming a Christian," she writes, "or, as I thought of it rather less politely, a religious nut." But she ate a piece of bread, took a sip of wine, and found herself radically transformed.

The mysterious sacrament of communion has sustained Miles ever since, in a faith she’d scorned, in work she’d never imagined. In this astonishing story, she tells how the seeds of her conversion were sown, and what her life has been like since she took that bread.

Purchase Book via Barnes & Noble

Chalice Bearer

2012-02-20T10:27:00.004-05:00

Last evening marked my first Sunday as a chalice bearer at Saint Bart's Episcopal Church. I was equal parts nervous and excited, because it was a commitment to my faith community and myself that I have never before undertaken. When it comes to spirituality, I am one of those individuals who has to have something, albeit an event or a need, to get them through the door. I hate this about myself, but I am learning to accept it. So, I decided to become a chalice bearer and lector for the six o'clock service, in the hopes that it would encourage me to grace the pews more than once a month.

I've never really paid attention to the words of the communion service before. I've always been impatient for the bread and wine, the body and blood of Christ, but as I stood by the altar, behind the altar for the first time ever, I discovered a new understanding of the words "the body of Christ, the bread of heaven, the blood of Christ, the cup of salvation." The reality that this moment in the liturgy, this exchange and sharing of gifts, is one of the focal points of the Christian faith, if not THE main point, hit me with sudden clarity. To be a part of this moment, to be the one to hold the cup and say the words, gave me a renewed sense of faith and purpose.

For me, as a woman, it was especially poignant. Growing up in a tradition where women had limited roles, but no authority, the ability to stand behind the altar, to give someone the special gifts of bread and wine . . . the feeling was indescribable. I was on a high all last evening after church, because it was no longer just a place, but MY place, my community, my faith. It felt personal to me, because I was no longer on the outside looking inward, but a part of the true body of Christ.

I think . . . I think, I understand now.

Run, Run, Run

2012-01-19T16:25:00.004-05:00

As is my usual practice, I run from God when things get tough. Despite all the years I spent finding a place for myself in the Episcopal Church and getting in touch with my faith, old habits are hard to break. I should feel bad. Who runs from God? Seriously? I remind myself that plenty of people hide in the presence of the Divine, because sometimes hiding is easier than facing yourself and dealing with all the issues, dramatics, and what-the-fucks rolling around in your head. Moses hid from God, hence the burning bush, Peter thrice denied Christ rather than own up to the truth he believed, and, perhaps the one I most indentify with out of all the disciples, Thomas doubted. Constantly.

I avoid church when I get in one of these moods. I read, burying my head in words like the proverbial ostrich in the sand, because there are days when it is easier to read someone else's stories instead of dealing with your own inadequacies and failures. I close myself off at work, in my house, in pretty much anything, because there is nothing like coming face to face with the Creator, metaphorically speaking, and having that big ass mirror held up to your face. Flaws and all, folks. It's not pretty when God rips off that mask and shows you who you truly are and who you are meant to be in this world.

At times like these, I call to mind Saint Teresa of Avila's prayer:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you
are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite
possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T16:39:00.004-05:00

Don't pass by me
The light burns bright in the window tonight,
Christ is passing by.
The cattle are restless in the byre tonight,
Christ is passing by.
The shepherds are watching in the fields tonight,
Christ is passing by.
The inn is crowded with travelers tonight,
Christ is passing by.
Stop for a moment, Lord, hear my plea,
Fill an empty heart,
Don't pass by me.
- A Christmas Eve Prayer in the Celtic Tradition

As a child, I loved Christmas Day: the presents, the food, the excitement and happiness. As an adult, the magic of the season continues, but I find the simplicity and solitude of Christmas Eve to be the most poignant and profound. Since becoming confirmed in the Episcopal Church, my mom and I have made an annual tradition to attend Christmas Eve Mass. This will be the first year that I will attend midnight mass at my new parish, Saint Bart's, and I am very excited to experience Christmas with a new community. Due to residual health issues from chemo, my mom will not be in attendance, but I will share this ritual and experience with my father for the first time.

At its core, Christmas is about birth, whether it is the birth of Christ, the birth of light in darkness, the turn of the wheel, the cycle of the Earth and seasons. This time of year, I embrace the nature of change and welcome the light that God allows into my life. Lately, I feel as if God is making room in my life, my heart, my future for something wonderful. For the first time, I feel at peace with myself and my choices, and I am willing to accept that I do not have all the answers. After all, there is beauty in the unknowing. This Christmas, I pray for many things: wisdom, peace, healing for those who are ill, and the strength to live as an example of Christ in the world.

A Blessed Christmas Eve!

Blessed Yule!

2011-12-22T16:00:00.001-05:00

Yule is the ancient festival of the winter solstice, the darkness night of the year, and a time in which the Holly King is reborn from the Goddess and the seasons begin to shift. For Celtic Christians such as myself, the blending of this ancient festival with the birth of Christ is particularly significant. After all, the solstice celebrates the birth of light into the world and Christmas is a representation of that idea with Christ being the "light of the world."

A Very Blessed Yule and Happy Winter Solstice!

Virgin of Guadalupe

2011-12-12T20:53:00.000-05:00

December 12, is the Feast Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe. One of the most popular forms of Mary, Our Lady of Guadalupe often signifies the feminine on the Third Sunday of Advent, in which Christians light a pink candle on their wreaths as a way of paying homage to the Mother of God. Our Lady speaks to me on a number of levels: a strong feminine voice speaking out at a time when the religion was (more) patriarchal, the symbolic ushering in of light and hope in a time of darkness and waiting, and, finally, the relevance of being a tangible witness of Christ's message to the world.

NPR: Catholics Honor Virgin of Guadalupe Feast

3rd Sunday of Advent

2011-12-11T12:28:00.001-05:00

For the past two Sundays, I have lit a candle on my advent wreath. Unfortunately, I need new candles because the old ones melted all over my wreath. Still, this is my first Advent season using a wreath and I find that I like the tradition. It amazes me how, several years after being confirmed, I am still learning about the Episcopal Church. There is a surprising newness to my faith every time I discover a new concept, a new tradition, or a new part of my place in the church. I look forward to this evening, when I may light three candles for the season.

History of the Advent Wreath

How to Make an Advent Wreath

Advent is Here, Christ Approaches

2011-11-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

This Sunday marks the beginning of the liturgical calendar of the Christian Church. The season of Advent is a time of anticipation, in which Christians joyfully await the birth of Christ. It is also considered a time for meditation and spiritual growth, and it is in this tradition that I renew my commitment to my faith and spiritual practice. One such way to mark the days until Christmas is via an advent calendar such as the one shown above from Trinity Wall Street in New York City. I love this time of year, especially the message of rebirth, hope, love, and faith that comes from the salvation of the world in the form of a child.

Blessings and peace to you all this Advent season!

Health and Healing

2011-11-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the LORD.
Jeremiah 30:16-18

Today, my mom finished the last of her herceptin treatments for cancer. I am grateful that she is healing and becoming more healthy. I pray that she will remain cancer-free for the remainder of her life. I pray that her healing, both physical and emotional, is swift. I pray with thanks to the Creator for the presence and blessings of this wonderful woman who gave me life.

2011-10-31T19:56:00.000-04:00

Creator God, forgive our moments of ingratitude,
the spiritual blindness that prevents us
from appreciating the wonder that is this world,
the endless cycle of nature,
of life and death and rebirth.
Forgive us for taking without giving
reaping without sowing.
Open our eyes to see
our lips to praise
our hands to share
and may our feet tread lightly on the road.

Source: A Christian Liturgy for the Celtic Festival of Samhain

In the tradition of the Celts, I will use this night as a turning point, a new beginning, a rededication of my spiritual self and my relationship with the Divine Creator, and a celebration of the miracle that is life and death. A Very Blessed Samhain!

From Unapologetically Episcopalian

2011-10-22T09:16:00.000-04:00

From Unapologetically Episcopalian (Facebook): This graphic was posted as a humorous way to encourage people to occupy churches instead of other countries. This reminds me that I have missed three Sundays in a row and I am feeling the absence deep inside. In the words of my friend, D, I believe that it is time to get my ass to mass.

via The Advocate (YouTube): Tori Amos on Christianity and Homosexuality

2011-10-17T18:13:00.000-04:00

Most of the interview is geared toward discussion of her new album, but there is a really fantastic bit at the end where Tori discusses homosexuality in the context of marriage, civil rights, and the Christian faith.

From Episcopal Diocese of Atlanta: Collect of the Day

2011-10-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

Almighty and everlasting God, you are always more ready to hear than we to pray, and to give more than we either desire or deserve: Pour upon us the abundance of your mercy, forgiving us those things of which our conscience is afraid, and giving us those good things for which we are not worthy to ask, except through the merits and mediation of Jesus Christ our Savior; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen

Concerning Life's Troubles

2011-09-23T20:58:00.000-04:00

My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.
-Psalm 131

Sometimes, this verse is the only thing that gets me through a day.

Celtic Compline

2011-09-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

There is something so beautiful about the Celtic Compline from the Northumbria Community:

O Christ, Son of the living God,
may Your holy angels guard our sleep,
may they watch over us as we rest
and hover around our beds.

Let them reveal to us in our dreams
visions of Your glorious truth,
O High Prince of the universe,
O High Priest of the mysteries.

May no dreams disturb our rest
and no nightmares darken our dreams.
May no fears or worries delay
our willing, prompt repose.

May the virtue of our daily work
hallow our nightly prayers.
May our sleep be deep and soft
so our work be fresh and hard.

I will lie down and sleep in peace
for You alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

My dear ones, O God, bless Thou and keep,
in every place where they are.

Into Your hands I commit my spirit;
I give it to You with all the love of my heart.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

I make the cross of Christ upon my breast,
over the tablet of my hard heart,
and I beseech the Living God of the universe -
may the Light of Lights come
to my dark heart from Thy place;
may the Spirit's wisdom come to my heart's tablet
from my Saviour.

Christ without sin, Christ of wounds,
I am placing my soul and my body
under Thy guarding this night,
Christ of the poor, Christ of tears.
Thy cross be my shielding this night,
O Thou Son of tears, of the wounds, of the piercing.

I am going now into the sleep:
O be it in Thy dear arm's keep,
O God of grace, that I shall awake.

My Christ! my Christ!
my shield, my encircler,
each day, each night,
each light, each dark.

My Christ! my Christ!
my shield, my encircler,
each day, each night,
each light, each dark.
Be near me, uphold me,
my treasure, my triumph.

Circle me, Lord,
keep protection near
and danger afar.

Circle me, Lord,
keep light near
and darkness afar.

Circle me, Lord,
keep peace within;
keep evil out.

The peace of all peace
be mine this night
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

In Remembrance

2011-09-11T13:59:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, there are simply no words to describe an event, an anniversary, a date on the calendar. Nevertheless, we must force ourselves to work past the memory and the pain to honor and pay tribute to the lives lost on that terrible day ten years ago. It sounds cliche, but that day and the ones that followed demonstrated to me that there are heroes that walk in the world, people with the true essence of Christ inside them, who willingly gave their lives so that others may survive and live.

Everyone has a story for that day: Where were you? What were you doing? When did you hear the news? I was fresh out of college, naive and optimistic about the world and what the future held for me. It was a beautiful blue sky and the sunshine filtered through the windows of my new office at the state legislature, my first real job. It was my second day of work. For me, this event started the beginning of my return to the Christian faith. Like so many Americans, I looked for comfort in faith, prayer, despite being a harsh opponent of the Christian church for many years. I'm not sure why this event shocked me into searching for a spiritual place, but I am grateful that, out of the chaos and devastation, I managed to find something beautiful. I pray for those still searching, wandering, wondering, questioning, hurting, and grieving.

Also, it may not be popular to say, but I pray for the souls of the hijackers who committed these terrible crimes. In Matthew 5:44, Christ encourages humanity to "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." In this spirit, I pray for those who felt that violence was a just measure, that they may see the error of their ways in the face of their Creator, and that they are redeemed despite their sins. It is a hard thing, to pray for those who hurt you, and even as I type these words there is a part of me that doubts if I can truly mean them in my heart. So, I pray for myself too, that I may be able to live out the true meaning of this scripture and be genuine in my pardon of others.

In Remembrance, America . . .

From TED: Rick Warren and the Purpose-Driven Life

2011-09-09T21:53:00.000-04:00

This is an interesting video. While I disagree with Rick Warren on a number of issues (same-sex marriage, abortion, death penalty) and differ from the conservative theological perspective that has become his calling card, I find his commitment to the environment and his passion for his belief in God inspiring and thought-provoking. He expresses his ideas succinctly, has a good sense of humor, and presents an interesting argument for giving back to the community.

Sarcastic Lutheran: God Chose This Body

2011-09-07T20:43:00.000-04:00

John’s gospel bears witness not to an ethereal disembodied deity but to a sensual God - The Word became flesh and washed human feet, and smelled luxurious perfume, and tasted abundant wine. When Jesus wanted to heal the blind man he didn’t use good vibes or send positive energy, he used spit and dirt. Very real tears of salt ran down Jesus face, as he smelled the stink of death on Lazarus the one he called friend. Jesus’ very own flesh tore when he was beaten and crucified - and even in his resurrection he had a real body - when he rose from the dead he told Thomas to touch his wounded side, one that bore the scars of having lived. Then, as one of his final acts on Earth the guy ate grilled fish on a beach with his friends . . . Jesus said here’s what being born of God looks like . . . it looks like not worrying about what we're to eat or drink; it looks like loving the bodies of other people who, like us, will die; it looks like touching human flesh as if it's holy instead of worrying that it's unclean.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with issues of weight, self-confidence, and understanding my own worth as a woman who does not fit the cultural norm of the society in which I live. The latest blog update from the Sarcastic Lutheran helps to put my own struggle into a spiritual perspective. As I grow closer and closer to my mid-thirties, I begin to realize the importance of acceptance, loving the person you have become, and tuning out negativity. It is important to be healthy, to stay fit and live a quality life, but, in the words of the Sundays, "God made me," which allows me to feel comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what contemporary culture may suggest.

Thoughts on Mysticism

2011-09-06T21:33:00.000-04:00

I have begun reading Carl McColman's book, The Big Book of Christian Mysticism as a re-entry into my spiritual study, and I find the work easy to read and endlessly thought-provoking. While I plan to do a more formal review of the book once I complete my reading, I wanted to mention a few things that have struck me thus far:

1. The "mystery" in mysticism is profoundly Christian.
McColman presents Christian mysticism, not as an off-shoot of a more global approach to religion, but as something distinctly Christian and adherent to the most basic form of Christianity, for "the concept of mystery as it appears in the New Testament [places] . . . the emphasis not on secrets kept, but secrets revealed . . . God is revealed through Christ, but also his presence . . . is made known to those who believe."

The Trinity may be seen as love expressed in three unique ways.
More than just an archetype and a triune, the Trinity is the manifestation of the three ways in which God expects us to love: God the Creator (love for God), Christ the Redeemer (love for neighbors and fellow humans), and, perhaps the most difficult of all, the Holy Sustainer (love for yourself and the Spirit that flows through you).

Being "born again" is more than a bumper sticker slogan.
To be "born again" or renewed is to metaphorically die. Christian mysticism presents the possibility that this "death" is a "symbolic death a 'dying to self' . . . a 'death of the ego'" and that by releasing all of yourself to God and embracing the unknown as well as the known, we begin this process and our path on the road to salvation.

This book has so many valuable insights, but these are the big three that struck me as I went back through the previously-read chapters. More thoughts on the book are forthcoming, but I highly encourage anyone interested in mysticism specifically or Christianity in general to read this resource.

From the Daily Office: September 3, 2011

2011-09-03T08:15:00.000-04:00

Yours is the day, O God, yours also the night; you established the moon and the sun. You fixed all the boundaries of the earth; you made both summer and winter.
Psalm 74:15-16

As the hart panteth after the water brooks, So panteth my soul after thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
Psalm 42: 1-3

Digital Daily Office available as a daily e-mail via Book of Common Prayer (dot) Net.

Music Recommendation: The Civil Wars

2011-09-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

In recent weeks, I have become slightly obsessed with spirituals, chants, hymns, and Christian music that does not sound like that sickly-sweet-pop-rock that is played on Christian radio stations. I love Ani DiFranco's rendition of "Amazing Grace," Ben Harper's reggae acapella "Picture of Jesus," and more recently, the heart-stirring sounds of an Americana folk-rock band, The Civil Wars. The lyrics of "Barton Hollow" speak to me as a former (reformed) Southern Baptist, but also as a person of faith crying out to the Creator. One cannot help but sing along to this song:

I'm a dead man walking here
That's the least of all my fears
Ooh underneath the water

It's not Alabama clay
Gives my trembling hands away
Ooh Please forgive me father

Ain't going back to Barton Hollow
Devil gonna follow me e'er I go
Won't do me no good washing in the river
Can't no preacher man save my soul

Did that full moon force my hand?
Or that unmarked hundred grand?
Ooh underneath the water
Ooh Please forgive me father

Miles and miles in my bare feet
Still can't lay me down to sleep
If I die before I wake
I know the Lord my soul won't take, Ooh

I'm a dead man walking
I'm a dead man walking

Keep walking and running and running for miles
Keep walking and running and running for miles
Keep walking and running and running for miles, Woahh

Ain't going back to Barton Hollow
Devil gonna follow me e'er I go
Won't do me no good washing in the river
Can't no preacher man save my soul